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January 31 2018

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People Share Their Worst First Date Stories (See 14 More)

In honor of the 5 year anniversary of my worst first date let me share mine. (I swear to God, all of this happened)

I had just signed up for a dating site and this guy and I were messaging back and forth. I wasn’t really interested but he was persistent and I had a really hard time saying no/rejecting people, so when he asked me to dinner I agreed.

We met up downtown and he’s wearing a damn trenchcoat over jeans and a t-shirt that had something to do with Russia, then he spends an hour at dinner talking about himself and how much he loves Russia and how great it was when he visited, etc etc without me getting in a word. I decide to try and end this dinner early with a fake excuse because, again, I was horrible at rejecting people. So I tell him my phone’s about to die (it wasn’t) and I was picking up a friend afterward and needed to be able to text them when I was leaving. This guy opens up his trenchcoat, pulls 3 phone chargers out of a pocket and says “What kind of phone do you have?” I mean????? Fortunately he had iphone chargers and I had an android so I still got to bail but still.

We leave and I keep getting ready to say goodbye, outside the restaurant, down the street, at the entrance to the parking garage I parked in, at the elevator door, at my car, but he’s not saying goodbye and he’s not leaving. I start to say “Okay then, nice meeting you,” and he puts his hand on the passenger door handle and says “You’re cool giving me a ride home right? I walked here.” Once again, I should have been able to say no but I just couldn’t so I was a fucking idiot and let him get in my car. (Side note, I lucked out because he was harmless, he was just weird as hell and didn’t seem to realize it).

So I drive him the short distance back to his apartment and during that ride he breaks the awkward silence by asking how tall I was. I answer 5′5, he pauses and says to me the strangest thing I’ve ever heard a human say, which was: “Hm…I was just trying to figure out if you’d fit in my ferret cage.” I swear to you he said these words to me. I know he was making a joke, but after everything that came before it I thought maybe I was going to be kidnapped and thrown in a ferret cage. I dropped him off, he asked me if I wanted to come in to which I finally found the ability to say a solid NO, and needless to say there was no second date.

January 28 2018

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Just imagine if Obama was married 3 times, was caught on tape bragging about sexually assaulting women, endorsed a literal child predator for the senate and was found to be cheating on Michelle with a famous porn star.

Just imagine.

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in this house we love, treasure, and support the oxford comma

If you take ALL the commas out of this sentence, you end up with grammarian dragons.

In this house we love treasure and support the Oxford comma.







I like to think that Rita Skeeter totally lost whatever renown she had after the war and so Harry and Ginny and the others like to pick up her stories for fun without worrying about the effect it’ll have on their image? Like Harry just idly turns a page every morning and goes, “Oh, we’re getting a divorce.”
And Ginny yawns as she fetches two coffee mugs and says, “Is it because I’m snogging Neville?”
“No,” says Harry, “it’s because I’m snogging Neville.”
And Ginny slams down her mug and says, “Goddamnit, Harry, let me have my affair in peace, would you?”

They have this sort of conversation in public, sometimes. Especially in places (the Leaky Cauldron, the Three Broomsticks, etc) where they know that it’ll get back to Skeeter.

I like to imagine that the kids get in on it as well. Like Albus and Scorpius can be over heard in the Great Hall with the latest Potter Family gossip

“Did you hear that your dad is leaving your mum for my father?”

“I thought mum was leaving dad for your mum, Scorp?”

“No that was last week. Your mum is with your aunt Luna right now.”

“Ah, my mistake. Pass the pumpkin juice.”

Please tell me that the cursed child was just another bullshit story that the kids fed to her.

New head-canon: Rita Skeeter wrote The Cursed Child.

I’ve been ignoring this post in my notifs for ages but this is now the only explanation for the Cursed Child that I will accept.

January 26 2018





poor person: wow i rly want this thing, ive saved up some money so i can finally afford it!

some dunce: wait i thought u were poor???????¿¿¿¿¿¿ u shouldn’t want this thing, u can’t hsve it, shouldn’t u b living in complete squalor????¿


best addition to my post thus far

And then when a poor person is like “I can’t afford that” the same idiots are like “um…just save up??? If you really want it????? Not that hard lmfao”

January 24 2018

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history fucked me up

oxford was built and operational as a college before the rise of the mayans and cleopatra lived in a time nearer to pizza hut’s invention than to the pyramids being built

I need a noncomprehensive history book that covers Known World History in time periods, like “in this century, all this shit was happening concurrently” and not just all spread out so I have to piece it together like some unpaid uneducated scholar

Mongols were fighting Samurai in Japan and Knights in Europe at the same time. 

Star Wars a New Hope came out the same year as the last execution in France by Guillotine. 

Abraham Lincoln and Edgar Allen Poe were friends in their early 20′s. 

When the Great Pyramids were being built there were areas that still had Woolly Mammoths roaming. 

Harvard University didn’t teach calculus in its first few years after being established because calculus wasn’t invented yet.


gwen stefani was right when she said this shit is bananas





You know why Harry Potter is amazing? 99% of fan theories, headcanons and meta could be canon because Harry is about as observant as a brick wall. Did Slytherins come back to fight in the Battle of Hogwarts? Did Draco Malfoy enjoy crossdressing? Was Hermione transgender? Who knows, certainly not Harry

Harry didn’t notice Hermione time traveling around him for a whole year or his own teacher’s hand writing

Harry didn’t notice that he was a wizard

The glass is just gone I don’t know maybe that just happens with snakes sometimes. 


when someone you thought you could trust reblogs your notp



ben and chris arrived on parks and rec right when mark brendanowicz disappeared because ann and leslie both liked him so they performed a ritual to split him into his law half (ben) and chaos half (chris) and each got to have half of him

False. Mark brandanaquits does not contain enough personality to fill a tea cup, there is no way that by splitting him in half there would be enough law or chaos by themselves to forge two new people. Clearly Donna and April sacrificed the bland boi to bring forth two new ones using witchcraft

January 23 2018



i don’t really think the relationship between generation z and millennials is comparable to the relationship between baby boomers and millennials

mostly because largely speaking. baby boomers are the parents of millennials but millennials aren’t the parents of generation z

your older sibling telling you you’re an idiot for eating laundry detergent just isn’t the same thing as your parents berating you for not having a job in a shitty economy

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Find someone who supports you like this

January 21 2018


when i say “i don’t like drama” what i really mean is “i don’t want to have my own drama.” your drama, on the other hand,  




what did trump mean when he said “right now, in a number of states, the laws allow a baby to be born from his or her mother’s womb in the ninth month. It is wrong. It has to change.” what that mean? 

Trump takes a bold stance against birth

In case people are wondering, yes he actually did.

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B99 + Text Posts (3/?)

Disaster Squad


security called me at work today and told me they saw me outside chasing a frog around on the security cameras. i wasnt in trouble they just wanted to let me know they saw me. i didn’t catch him.


i think tumblr’s idea of boys is utterly misguided at times. 

boys are just as deserving of love as girls are. a woman fighting to break down a man’s walls is not “a waste of time”, a woman being concerned of a man’s mental health/feelings is not wrong. i think tumblr constantly spreads the idea that men are not worth women’s time and that their emotions are somehow less valid than women’s, and it’s just not true. at least not in all cases. 

good young men who are struggling with mental illness need to know that they deserve happiness and that their feelings matter. if we constantly dismiss men’s emotions and act like they’re not worth our time, we’re just encouraging ideas of toxic masculinity.

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